Growing Pains

Stretching and stepping into someone you’ve never been before can be hard. If you’re in a season of your life where you are becoming a version of yourself you’ve never been before – give yourself some grace. Leveling up requires an insane amount of releasing. Releasing of old wounds; which means confronting those wounds and having a conversation with those wounds with an open heart. That open heart conversation may be hard – because those wounds may have caused you to recoil and hide and close your heart space in the past. But here you are – in a season that is asking you to grow. Grow in a direction you haven’t gone before. And in order to grow and expand, we have to shed what no longer serves us. We have to confront and face the old story; allow it to teach us what it needed to teach us, and then release it and give thanks for the wisdom it gave so we may expand and evolve into our next chapter of life. We need to let go of what can no longer come with us. And that’s the hard part, isn’t it. Asking ourselves to shed the weight, the old story, what’s been keeping us small, what’s keeping us “safe”.

But in actuality, has it been keeping us “safe”? This protection we’ve placed around ourselves is more like a cage. A prison of sorts. Preventing us from reaching towards the things and places and people that our Soul is calling us to go. We play out this narrative in our heads – a narrative created from old wounding, fears, self limiting beliefs that become self fulfilled prophecies – where we tell ourselves why we can’t have that. Where we tell ourselves why we can’t explore that. Where we tell ourselves why we could never get that. Where we tell ourselves why it would never work out. And there we go.. playing in the sandbox we’ve imprisoned ourselves to. Limiting what we are allowing ourselves to reach for. We don’t even try to have the difficult conversation of expressing ourselves, of asking for more, allowing the curiosity to play out in real time, allowing ourselves to play in another sandbox. We shut it down immediately with our minds. We shut it down immediately from a place of ego. The ego learns from past pain to prevent vulnerability. So, we wall it off. Bar it up. All before anything can actually play out in our outer reality. Because our inner reality has dictated how it is going to go. Our inner reality played judge, jury, and executioner before there was ever any reason for a trial.

Ego can serve as both good and bad. We need ego to survive. It is critical. But allowing the ego to dictate your life story is an entirely different beast. Finding a healthy balance with the ego is the name of the game, and it can be challenging waters to navigate as you first begin to explore your personal, intimate relationship with your own ego. The ego doesn’t like to be told it was wrong, that it was at fault, that it’s been holding you back, that it’s been - fill in the blank. So an unchecked ego likes to weave a story line where it was in the right, where it wasn’t at fault, where it wasn’t holding you back - it was protecting you, where it’s been - fill in the blank. An unchecked ego may create comfort zones that feel safe and protected. A reaction from past pain as explored in the paragraph above. These comfort zones are restricted and have an artificial ceiling; a floor level where your ego tells you that you aren’t allowed and cannot explore past, that that isn’t for you. The sense of stability is grown from roots to keep you safe, keep it known, keep it something you can understand, keep it towards things you’ve grasped at and held before. But stability can be an illusion. In reality, we cannot control anything. We cannot control other people and we cannot always control circumstances or situations and how each thing will play out. What we can control at best is our own reaction, our inner state, and how we process and perceive something at best. We may be able to control some of the waters we wade through, but not every step will be able to be defined by us individually. My free will and free choice can affect the collective, and their individual free will and free choice can affect me. What I can control, what you can control, is how we show up and react to a situation. Your ego wants to keep you safe - it wants to keep you emotionally and physically safe. But that can also keep us playing small. So the second your nervous system starts to detect fear of the unknown, fear of something new that you don’t know how it will play out, fear of how this thought is making you feel and if your nervous system has space to hold it - etc. - if the fear is great enough, your ego may step in and tell you all the reasons why you can’t have that thing, all the reasons why this isn’t for you, and all the reasons why this won’t work out. Looping back to that artificial ceiling. Looping back to the sandbox walls, the perimeter you can’t grow past. The comfort zone where you play the known hand, the known risk, the known control. But where does that keep you? It keeps you “safe”. It keeps you from expansion.

Ego can serve you, as well. It is important to have an understanding of self. It is also important to not allow that understanding to be a limiting ceiling. Picture yourself as the center of a diamond. And as you look out all the facets of that diamond, each facet is a different exploration of yourself through different personalities, interests, hobbies, likes, dislikes, etc - all versions of you playing out. Why limit yourself to just one facet? Allow your ego to understand you are the diamond in entirety, not just one singular rivet. You are much more complex than just one perspective. You are capable of being many things and capable of embodying many truths. One truth does not negate another truth. It doesn’t have to be a this or that. It doesn’t have to be a “in order to have this I have show up like that” type mindset. You can be a multitude of differing things, even if they seemingly contradict one other, even if it confuses the people around you. You do not have to fit into a box. You do not have to make sense to anyone other than yourself. If you can embody and be something you understand and something you like and something you want to be - you are moving closer and closer to the alignment of your Higher Self. You are moving closer to the alignment of all that you are.

For your ego and your mind to play judge, jury, and executioner before a trial was even warranted is not fair to you on your own journey. It’s not fair to what it is your Soul is reaching towards. And it is not fair to what could be. Sometimes disappointing things happen - yes. You can’t let the fear of disappointment hold you back. As tough as it is. Sometimes you just have to go for it. Sometimes you just have to become the person who is capable of holding that thing you desire. Sometimes magic and wonder do happen. Sometimes you do get exactly what you’re after. I’m not going to sit here and tell you every shot you shoot for is going to work out. But you will never know if you don’t try. At the very least – your Soul learns, and you have uncaged your Self from the box in which you placed yourself in. At the very least - you have mentally freed yourself from the wonder, from the constant rumination on what could have, should have, would have beens, and the what ifs. There is freedom there. There is courage there. There is bravery there. There is Soul growth there.

Leveling up requires you to question the unchecked ego, your mind, your heart, and confronting the wounds of the past. Leveling up requires the releasing of the conditions you have placed around your wants, your needs, and your dreams. It demands an understanding that what you want may be very different than what you need. What you need may not look anything like what you want. What you want comes from everything to do with your ego. What your unchecked ego perceives as cool, the identity the unchecked ego wants to stand in. What your unchecked ego drives you towards tells you what your ego needs to feel “xyz”. Maybe that “xyz” is cool, popular, validated, important, special. It often tells us the areas we felt or feel insecure and not confident. But if our ego can have or achieve “xyz” then we will feel secure and confident because we can hold it, we can have it - we can control how others perceive us, we can control how we feel about ourselves once we’ve obtained, or achieved, or held “xyz”. And it isn’t that what the ego strives for won’t fulfill us or sustain us. It might for some time, absolutely. It doesn’t mean that what our ego strives for doesn’t mean there isn’t beauty to it. Because there very well can be. But at the very root of it all – it’s what the unchecked ego desires. Not to be misunderstood – the ego is important – we need ego. This is just a conversation around leveling up by looking at our unchecked ego - what is actual truth, what is actual embodied Soul, what is in alignment vs. what is the unchecked ego belief, the ego truth, the ego desire. We want to always question what is driving our want. Are you striving for this thing because of what it can give you? Are you striving for this thing because of what status it will provide you? Are you striving for this thing because of what it makes you look like? Are you striving for this thing because of how other people will perceive you? Are you striving for this thing to get a certain group of people to like you? Are you striving for this thing to feel validated, accepted, held? Etc. Etc. Etc. It is not a conversation of condemnation with Self. It is a conversation of deep exploration, to see yourself more fully, in more authentic truth - so you can then move from a space of more embodied authentic truth.

It's the realizing of; what is it that the ego wants – and is this a want because it is in alignment with my Soul. Even if the ego doesn’t understand it. Does it light you up? Does it give you chills when you think of it sometimes? Does it move you? Does it give you a reason? Does it give you a purpose? Does it give you reason and purpose outside of anything known or anything you can understand? There is a reason you are being pulled towards it. It is something that your Soul needs, it is something that is in alignment with your energy. Following your enthusiasm, allowing yourself to explore outside the sandbox in which you typically play, not telling yourself the false narratives of “I couldn’t… how will people perceive me… what will people say… I could never have that… they would never want me… this doesn’t make any sense…” Etc. Etc. Etc.

And with a mindset like that, you have already talked yourself out of what your Soul is trying to draw you towards. You have already closed the door on something before you ever allowed yourself to explore it. You’ve created a story – you’ve allowed the unchecked ego to steer you, you’ve allowed the unchecked ego to keep you playing small – keep you confined to the same box that the ego understands. Keep you confined to the same limiting ceiling that unchecked ego knows. The same box that the ego tells you will provide you satisfaction, fulfillment, enjoyment.

But what happens when that box no longer fulfills you, excites you, satisfies you? Maybe it does for a moment – and then you’re right back at the same place you were. Unfililled by the life you have built around you. A life you have built entirely from an unchecked ego perspective. A life built entirely around a version of you that you used to be. A life where things bind you, maybe control you, maybe ask you to continue showing up in the way in which you always have. Maybe you resent this. Maybe you feel apathetic at times, refusing to feel or deal with the current emotions and situations. Maybe you just ignore it to keep life moving the way it always has. But that is where the geyser effect can start to come in. Where we have these mini explosions of emotion - and the more we ignore them, the more frequent they pop up, the heavier they feel each time. Until we can no longer avoid what we’ve been trying to avoid. Where we can no longer run away from what our Higher Self is asking us to face. Asking us - do you want to confront the growing pains? Do you want to confront what you’ve been running from and do the work? Have grace for yourself because you only knew what you did at that time, and that previous version of yourself deserves love. And that previous version of your life doesn’t deserve resentment and anger and frustration. You can thank the previous version of you for bringing you to where you now stand. Because you had to be there, in order to grow and be here. It’s like a snake shedding its skin. It is still the same snake - just a different season of life where the snake outgrew its old skin and needed new skin. The snake doesn’t fight the process. It moves in rhythm with nature, allowing the skin to shed as it transforms into its new skin. It isn’t as easy for humans, because we have an ego that can resist and fight the shedding of the unfamiliar new skin. Try to let the snake be a teacher for you. The new skin on the snake doesn’t have to look any different than its previous skin. Let this be a metaphor for you’re not being asked to look different - unless you choose to - you are being asked by your Higher Self to expand in your inner reality in ways you’ve been hesitant, resistant, and avoidant to. To allow your facing of these inner realities help push you into an energy that allows you to expand into a timeline and path you’ve been hoping to step onto and have it hold you back. This new timeline requires the shedding of the old skin, the old story, the old narrative - so that you can hold the new, and so that it can hold you back. Your mirror isn’t your enemy, it is your greatest teacher.

Where is the growth in refusing the new skin? It is okay to break the chains, and allow yourself to see a different version of yourself. The root of you, your essence, will always be you. But allow yourself to visualize a version of yourself where you get everything you’ve ever wanted. Even if it doesn’t make sense to your current sandbox. Let yourself explore your desires for a moment. Who are you? Who are you with? What are you doing? What does your life look like? What do you feel like with this life? Who are the people surrounding you? Where do you frequent? Who do you make a home with? Ask yourself the questions. Then - don’t allow the negative voice in your head to speak up, don’t allow the unchecked ego to control, don’t allow the old story to take control and steer. Give it up – give it up to your Higher Self – give it up to the Universe. Let them steer for some time. Before you allow your road blocks of negativity, and all the reasons why you can’t have it, the old story keeping you playing small – really allow yourself to hold and have what your dreams are pulling you towards.

There is a belief out there that if you can see it – even if it’s fleeting, even if it’s taken over and controlled by your critical egoic mind – if there is a belief you can see, then there is a future version of you that already has it. What you dream of holding, you already hold. What you dream of pursuing, you have already pursued. You just have to get out of your own way. You just have to reach out, be courageous, choose boldness, choose vulnerability, and go after what you want. You will never know if the story you tell yourself is true until you try.

Stretching and stepping into someone you’ve never been before is challenging. It comes with a lot of releasing. A lot of self actualizing. A lot of courage. A lot of bravery. A lot of heart. Be gentle on yourself. You’ve never moved in this way before. You’ve never had to show up in this way before. So be gentle on yourself. It takes a lot to break through the old conditioning, the self limiting beliefs, the past heartbreaks and pains that hold you back, the self sabotage, the discomfort, the noise in the head, the projections of others, the projections of Self, the fears of how other people will see you, the fears of what other people may say about you…

It is a season of silence. Make moves discreetly. It’s okay to not tell your people. It’s not that you don’t trust them, it’s not that you don’t love them – but if you feel this is something you need to expore without everyone telling you their opinion, or if its right or if it’s wrong – then move in silence. If you’re not harming yourself or someone else, it is okay to explore your desires without everyone knowing about it. Even with the best of intentions, people can hold us back with their advice, their silence, their inability to look you in the eye, their facial expression, their opinions, their projections. They’ll tell you who to be, how to be it, what you should go after, what you shouldn’t go after, what’s taboo, what’s not taboo, what’s acceptable, so on and so forth. Even if they believe it is medicine, even if they are coming from the heart and with the best of intentions providing love and care – this can sometimes be poison to your dream, poison to turning your inspired thought into inspired action, poison for the growth expansion where you try to step out of the sandbox in which you’ve always held yourself in.

Just because someone else wouldn’t pursue what your Soul wants to pursue doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be done by you, or can’t be done by you. Sometimes going after what you want can be a lonely road. People may question your choices, question what changed you, question why you’re going after what you are, and maybe even question if you’re deserving of it. It is a season to move in silence. Their guidance may be asking you to play small. The Universe, your Higher Self, is asking you to play delusional. Act as if you already have that thing.

Write down exactly what you want. Maybe it’s a job, maybe it’s a lifestyle, maybe it’s an amount of money you want to make weekly, monthly, yearly. Maybe it’s a person, maybe it’s mindset, maybe it’s travel, maybe it’s opening a business, maybe it’s a family, maybe it’s going to therapy, maybe it’s how you want to feel, maybe it’s all the above. Write it down. Write every detail down. Let yourself live in this delusion – believe what you are writing as if you already have it. Write in present tense. Be delusional. Act as if you already hold all of these things in your hands. Don’t worry about who will read it – it’s only for your eyes, so get as delusional as you want. This is everyting you need. Write about how you feel as you hold these things. What does that feel like? Let yourself get creative and expressive. Maybe as you write it brings you to tears, maybe you feel chills. Then - record on your phone a voice memo where you recite this delusional life back to yourself. Speak it in present tense. Allow the inflection of your voice to be in the land of delusion. It is already yours. You already possess it. You already hold it. Speak with emotion, with gratitude, with presence. Then play that back to yourself every time you start to believe you can’t hold it. Play that voice memo back to yourself every time your ego tells you your sandbox is the only sandbox you can play in. Play that voice memo back every time the old story starts creeping up, fear creeps in, and self limiting beliefs are about to shut you down. Play it back. Just play it back. Live in the land of delusional until you believe you can have this very thing. And allow yourself to go after it.

The reason you do the inner work, the reason you check the ego, the reason you allow yourself to be the entirety of the diamond, the reason you confronted your mirror and asked yourself the hard questions and got to the root of every answer, the reason you can see yourself so clearly - none of that work was in vain. That work was the preparatory work so that you could be someone who has the space to hold what this next season of life has in store for you. That work was the prepatory work so that your ego would understand you are deserving to hold this, that you have capacity for this, that you are more than you tell yourself you are. That work is the foundation in which you will build your life and legacy from. The inner work allows your outer reality to shift. It is powerful. If you can be a master of your inner world, you can hold anything in your outer reality. As within, so without. An alchemists work. Turning pain into wisdom, turning the heavy into a lesson, turning lack into expansion. Perspective is everything - “change your perspective, change your life”.

You are deserving of every dream and every thing you want to hold in love. You are worthy just as you are. That future version of you may require you to work on yourself and release old stories, old wounds, and old narratives that have played out and kept you playing small. That future version of you may require you to move differently than you ever have, think differently than you presently do, look in the mirror and own the reflection that gazes back. The future version of you may ask you to level up to step into the life you so desire. Are you going to meet it? Are you going to have the courage to reach for the thing that your Soul calls you towards? Are you going to allow yourself to follow your enthusiasm and live a life that lights you up? Are you going to allow yourself to wake up to a life that makes you excited to live another day?

Chase your dreams. Be delusional if you have to. Growing pains are normal. Hold yourself in grace. Hold yourself in love. Move from the heart. And even if you’re confused and even if it doesn’t make sense to your present trajectory or life – know there is a reason you are being pulled to it. It is a season to move in silence. Be gentle on yourself as you navigate. “It’s always darkest before the dawn”. Let the dawn and rise of the sun be one that excites you, challenges you, asks more of you, and one that you want to step into.

Author:

Andie Hay; Owner & Psychic Medium and Empath of By Breath & Bone